If Not Now, When?


Remember yesterday I told you I would bring up the subject of aging?   Maybe its because my mother is 93 and failing, that always makes us begin to wonder about our own lives when we see that in our parents doesn’t it?

Maybe its because I have been very confused lately about well… just about everything!  I’m confused about my job, my finances, my parenting skills, you name it, I am confused.  I always second guess myself and don’t feel at all secure with some of my decisions. 

I’ve been wondering about my mental state (that sounds funny) like why I’m confused and why I’m also losing all my self confidence.  I use to be the most confident person.  If you put a project in front of me, I would chomp at the bit for the challenge.  PS, I’m over menopause, so I can’t blame that!

However, I’m being challenged at work and what I really feel like doing is hiding, going under the radar and just staying status quo.  That FREAKS me out more than the project because… it’s not me.  I hate status quo, I need challenge and I have always risen to it.  So where is my confidence now when I need it the most?  What happened to it?

So I started looking up aging and self esteem/confidence on the internet.  I discovered it is a normal fact of aging.  We lose it.  Wow!  That too?  Not only do we lose our looks, health and energy, but we lose the ability to even act as if it doesn’t matter, that we can still be of value in  many other ways.  God am I a product of our environment or what? Sad.

After I glanced thru a few articles and websites.    I downloaded some freebie books on my iPad to read when I have time.  Oh, and that is another thing… Time!  There just doesn’t seem to be enough of it!  Or maybe I mismanage that too because of my confusion!  Winking smile

There are many ways to gain back self confidence, I won’t list them here.  You can Google and find loads of info if you too are lacking in that precious commodity!

I decided for me, I just need to commit 100% to the job at hand and just dig in and learn and do as much as I can!  Do my best as I always have.  I have to remind myself that there has never been an IT project that I couldn’t do… eventually.

Also, I want/need to do something just for me.  I think that will include taking some art classes at the community college if I can… 1) find the money and 2) find the time!  So in the fall I’ll look at that.  But if I can do something just for me that I have always wanted to do,  I think I will gain a sense of accomplishment and pride.  That will flex my confidence muscle!

Then I found this for a buck at the Friends of the Library. 


I cannot put it down.


It’s a good book, with lots of great stories of other woman facing the same feelings as I have.


Most are married, some are single and never been married, some widowed.


But we are all in the same stage of life, ranging from 40 to 55!  (Does that mean I am just plain old when I turn 56, in just two years?) Great!


It’s not brand new, but is really worth the read.  If you are in the mids then this book is a quick read and you will come to realize that you are not alone. 

This book talks about how some of us have a gaping hole in this stage of life,it also states that most of us are pretty confident.  So something happened to me that I don’t fit that mold completely.  Maybe it was the BK!!!

I plan to continue my search for self esteem and confidence.  I had it once, I can have it again.  Watch out when I find it!

Oh, here is a link to the authors site.   https://www.stephaniemarston.com/bookstapes/ifnotnowwhen.html


Happy reading.



Fancy! Um… Not

Hi Guys!  Hope you are having a great weekend.

I’m having a good weekend.  I walked all three days in a row, and I’m back on track with Weightwatchers.  I am not going to the meetings but I’m tracking food and four days in  row, I’ve been doing very well.  Hope to get back to my fighting weight very soon!  Its so easy to get off track once you get there, its like your brain tells its okay to eat whatever, but its not!  As you age, you have to really watch it.  More on aging later!  Ugh…

My mom is doing well as are her kitties.  Thanks for all the nice comments~  She is acclimating.  She’s not pleased with some aspects, but who can be when you completely lose all of the comforts of home?  I’m surprised she’s doing as well as she is.

Yesterday my I took my kid to her golf clinic and then on the way back I stopped at a thrift store.  I don’t have a travel purse and I don’t want to take one of these!  So I thought I would try to find a cross body at a thrift place because that is just the kind of thing you usually find there, and boy did I!

I got PRADA!!!



Its small and perfect.  Just enough room for money, hotel key and chap stick for when we are in Cabo!


I spent a whopping $8.00 on this Prada!

I also bought a couple of Tees for $3.00 a piece.  Just couldn’t pass these up!


Fancy huh?  Well, as things usually go for me the Universe needed to remind me that FANCY does not last long in my world…. I came home and the handle on the toilet broke!


How fancy is that?  Busted.


I looked it up on You Tube and realized how easy it is.  So then I bought a $2.99 handle and there you go:


All done.  Back in the day I would have panicked and called a plumber who would have charged me $100.00.

Not these days.  I have to figure out how to make things work with a very tight BK budget.

I’m So Fancy!  ;-)

More on aging tomorrow!  Maybe you will relate!



Mom’s Fur Babies

Today is moving day.  My mom is getting moved by my brother.  My sisters have been packing and going through my mom’s things since I left on Saturday.  Before I left, mom gave me these cute little kitties!

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Aren’t they cute?   I will keep them forever.

I told you I would share pics of her babies.  Lets start with the last one that she got.  This is Little Kitty:

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He came to live with my mom from somewhere in the complex.  He just showed up and strangely enough, her other two cats let him in.  So she found out where he came from and they gave him to her.  He needed so much love and she gave it to him.

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Sweet boy:  When I stayed there he slept with me!

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Love Little Kitty!

This one is Pumpkin:

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More like a cream cycle!

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He has the prettiest face and my mom spoiled him rotten. 

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Now you have to meet Puddy Cat!

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My moms “perfect cat”.

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She loves this cat even though he needs to take a shot a day, bites her if she doesn’t get up on time, lays on her like she’s his cot and other various minor abuses!

She is keeping this special boy with her because she feels like nobody will love him like she does and he is “perfect” in her eyes!  “He looks just like a cat is supposed to look.”

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So there are my mom’s fur babies.  Pumpkin and Little Kitty are in their new homes with my sisters and they are doing well.

Mom and Puddy Cat are moving today and hopefully will be all settled soon!



Springwater Corridor–Portland Oregon

(Janelle, don’t miss this post!) Winking smile

One of the pics I posted the other day was taken on this path.  You have to check this out if you are in Portland!


http://www.portlandoregon.gov/parks/finder/index.cfm?action=ViewPark&PropertyID=679  (The Springwater trail 40 mile loop is a hard surface path about twelve feet wide)

Its an old train track and they turned it into a bike / walk path.  Its HUGE!

Carol's Springwater half century

I cannot wait to move back to Portland and make this part of my walk routine!  I have no idea where I will live, but this is pretty big and shouldn’t be too hard to live near!portland-bike-springwater

So next time you are in Portland or if you live there (lucky) check this out!

Ok, so I just need to post (vent) that I can’t even imagine this world without my mom in it.  I am 54 and she has always been THE ONLY person that really knows me, gets me and still loves me.  I know that going into the assisted living is the best because I know her meds will be given correctly and on time and she will be monitored, but I know what the inevitable is.

That is not BK related, but it is really part of my emotional life! I told you I would post about the ups and downs.   Its making it even harder to feel good about where I am.  The Cabo trip is weighing heavy on me like a huge boulder mistake right now. There is no way out of it.  I  just hope that I can try to enjoy it.

What a dumb ass I can be! ;-(

Sorry to vent!



Catch Up & Oregon

Hello all!

Back to work today!  It’s so crazy at work.  My boss is out of the country so we are even more short staffed than usual.

Even with the madness, I had to find time to run home and take my kid to her first practice for the High School Golf team.

Afterwards she told me her coach said she “kills” it!  She is doing so well, I think he (even if he is a creep) is really impressed.  I think the other coach is going to be just a volunteer, but hopefully, it will help.

This whole week is golf practice and registration for school is on Weds.  So we are off!  Sophomore year here we come!

When I started this process she was in 8th grade!  Time is passing.  I don’t think it’s passing fast, but it’s passing none the less!

We went school clothes shopping yesterday.  I did not stick to my budget.  Damn it!   But I told her that is it now, until Christmas, then we can freshen up her wardrobe again then.  Its only a few months away!  Can you believe that?

I still have not sold the ukulele or the Wii.  I’m bummed.  I will keep it in the paper until it sells!

My mom has given two of her cats to my sisters.  I reminded her that she can visit them anytime.  She is very sad.  They have been packing her stuff up since I left and hopefully, she will be settled and through this difficult transition process soon.  It’s the hardest part.

Here are more pics from my walk in Oregon.

The coolest path!




I think this is Queen Anne’s Lace, I love it.


We all grew up next to this creek!





Blackberries! Wild.  I love the red ones!  Winking smile


And some beautiful wild flowers.



I miss home! 

Hope you are all well!



Quick Trip to Oregon


I am back from a quick trip to Portland to visit my mom.

Sad news.  She is not doing well.  Or maybe I should say she is doing as well as can be expected for a 93 year old woman with congestive heart failure and her kidneys are failing.

A long story short.  She needs to be moved into an assisted living center and so I needed to be there to ensure that she was not alone at all until that could happen.  My brother sent for me.  Now my mom is being moved and family has gathered and she will be moved possibly as soon as next Tuesday.

The saddest part of all of this, there are many sad parts,  is that she has to choose between her cats as she can only have one.

She has three and they are big babies.  I will show you pics of them at another time.

But for now, I want to share a walk that I took yesterday morning when one of my sisters came and gave me a break.


Doesn’t this look way different than my usual lake walks or my break time trail?


Can I just say that I cannot wait to move back home?



So beautiful this country.


I cannot wait to become an Oregonian again.


You can take the girl out of the trees, but you can’t take the trees out of the girl.

More later on the trip and my mother soon.

I hope you are well friends.





It was so quiet at home on Sunday, I LOVED it.  My kid went to the beach with her friend and I just zoned out.

The Friends of the Library had a book sale that I stumbled upon when I went there looking for a good book!

I found this one:


As well as a grocery bag full of other good books! 

For $4.00 you could fill a grocery bag and so I did!  I got all kinds of Lee Child books as well as Harlan Corbin.  My dentist told me he is a must read.

I’m already finished Hard Way.  So good!

I think I have enough now to last me awhile.  I read in spurts.  I guess I am in one of those spurts now! 

I usually donate them back to the Friends of the Library and they can resell them.  The volunteer there said I picked some of the most popular books… with her help of course.

I will not be posting for a few days.  Don’t worry, I am well but have some personal things happening that need my full attention.