If Not Now, When?


Remember yesterday I told you I would bring up the subject of aging?   Maybe its because my mother is 93 and failing, that always makes us begin to wonder about our own lives when we see that in our parents doesn’t it?

Maybe its because I have been very confused lately about well… just about everything!  I’m confused about my job, my finances, my parenting skills, you name it, I am confused.  I always second guess myself and don’t feel at all secure with some of my decisions. 

I’ve been wondering about my mental state (that sounds funny) like why I’m confused and why I’m also losing all my self confidence.  I use to be the most confident person.  If you put a project in front of me, I would chomp at the bit for the challenge.  PS, I’m over menopause, so I can’t blame that!

However, I’m being challenged at work and what I really feel like doing is hiding, going under the radar and just staying status quo.  That FREAKS me out more than the project because… it’s not me.  I hate status quo, I need challenge and I have always risen to it.  So where is my confidence now when I need it the most?  What happened to it?

So I started looking up aging and self esteem/confidence on the internet.  I discovered it is a normal fact of aging.  We lose it.  Wow!  That too?  Not only do we lose our looks, health and energy, but we lose the ability to even act as if it doesn’t matter, that we can still be of value in  many other ways.  God am I a product of our environment or what? Sad.

After I glanced thru a few articles and websites.    I downloaded some freebie books on my iPad to read when I have time.  Oh, and that is another thing… Time!  There just doesn’t seem to be enough of it!  Or maybe I mismanage that too because of my confusion!  Winking smile

There are many ways to gain back self confidence, I won’t list them here.  You can Google and find loads of info if you too are lacking in that precious commodity!

I decided for me, I just need to commit 100% to the job at hand and just dig in and learn and do as much as I can!  Do my best as I always have.  I have to remind myself that there has never been an IT project that I couldn’t do… eventually.

Also, I want/need to do something just for me.  I think that will include taking some art classes at the community college if I can… 1) find the money and 2) find the time!  So in the fall I’ll look at that.  But if I can do something just for me that I have always wanted to do,  I think I will gain a sense of accomplishment and pride.  That will flex my confidence muscle!

Then I found this for a buck at the Friends of the Library. 


I cannot put it down.


It’s a good book, with lots of great stories of other woman facing the same feelings as I have.


Most are married, some are single and never been married, some widowed.


But we are all in the same stage of life, ranging from 40 to 55!  (Does that mean I am just plain old when I turn 56, in just two years?) Great!


It’s not brand new, but is really worth the read.  If you are in the mids then this book is a quick read and you will come to realize that you are not alone. 

This book talks about how some of us have a gaping hole in this stage of life,it also states that most of us are pretty confident.  So something happened to me that I don’t fit that mold completely.  Maybe it was the BK!!!

I plan to continue my search for self esteem and confidence.  I had it once, I can have it again.  Watch out when I find it!

Oh, here is a link to the authors site.   https://www.stephaniemarston.com/bookstapes/ifnotnowwhen.html


Happy reading.




4 thoughts on “If Not Now, When?

  1. I can totally relate to this as I approach 50. It’s hard too to see our elderly parents decline. That’s enough to shake any foundation. I try to remember that we never know the future completely and to live each day fully and to not be afraid of change. Change makes us grow.

    • Yes, change makes us grow. I am so into my job right now, probably out of fear, but I feel the old me coming back awake and getting more plugged in. Harder to focus and taking lots of notes. Post its galore! xoxoxox

  2. I am right there with you…approaching 50, parenting up and down, working full time and being disappointed with the lack of challenges and excitement in my career. I also don’t seem to have the energy for anything!

    I will look for the book and perhaps come to a better understanding of this midlife stage.

    Thank you for your blog,

    • I hope you can get something out of the book Stephanie! Just read what chapters interest you. I don’t waste precious time on things that don’t apply! xoxoxox

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