I Suck

What a title!

Today it applies to volunteering and handling the stress of my daughters bad golf days.

Let’s start with the volunteering part.  I don’t usually volunteer when I feel lousy, but I felt pretty good this weekend.  (Until all this happened!)

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It was so cold and windy and they put me up on a hill where I had to spot so I had to move around a lot, which made it impossible to keep my umbrella up as a wind blocker.

I can’t afford to get sick, so I have to be really careful!

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I radioed in that they needed to switch me to a different position but he just let me go for the day.

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I found my kid on the course and let her know I’d be back.  She’s fine with me not being there.  When I volunteer I never see her except when she passes through my area, so that’s not a big deal, I just didn’t want to be gone and her not be aware.

So anyway… off I went and on the way home I stopped at the 99 cent store and picked up $27.00 worth of paper and canned goods.   I needed a refrigerator bulb.

I didn’t buy any food that needed refrigeration because that was turned off!  More on that in a minute. No STRESS here.

On the way I also stopped at the thrift store and picked up a couple of tops and a candle.  One top and the candle are brand new!

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I didn’t pay that price.

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I really like longer sleeves these days.  After 50 don’t wear short sleeves!

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This is what I paid.

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That’s more like it.

Okay, now lets get to the “I Suck” part.  My kid texted me toward the end of the day that she had four “blow up” holes.  That means really bad!  Well, it happens.  I get it.  But what comes next…. is not pretty.  Look away!

So I go get her and she climbs in the car…”Well, mom, I birdied that last whole to save 100”.

100.  Are you serious?  One Hundred???

My kid has been shooting in the 80s during practice rounds.  During tournaments her scores are the worst, but 100 is unacceptable!  I about burst a blood vessel.

And here again is the really I SUCK ugly part.  I went on a rant.  “That’s it, we are done, I cannot believe you are shooting scores like this, this cost me so much money, are you not taking this seriously, we are done, its over, no more golf, you suck, your friends suck, this sucks.” etc.  It was ugly.  There were some F bombs included.  Yep, occasionally I am not a quality person.

In reality, I suck.  She is just a kid.  She makes mistakes but its not completely her fault.  She doesn’t deserve me to whip out the Ginzu knives and rip her to shreds.  I just get so frustrated with all the money that goes towards it.  I know there is more on the line here than just a round of golf.  Its her future, possible scholarships and that is what freaks me out.

The money.  Cause I don’t have any.  If I had money, I would probably be a really nice and chill mom. “Oh that is okay dear, no worries, we will just get you more lessons and  buy a better set of clubs.  No big deal honey, would you rather take up horseback riding or oil painting, fashion design?  Lets go to  the mall!

What a day!  The golf game, the vent and the refrigerator.  Oh the refrigerator.

So in the morning as we are leaving to go to the course, my kid pulls out a ice bottle from the freezer for her lunch.  There has been a broken bulb in there for a long time, but it sparked and that freaked us out. The fridge went off.  I turned off the breaker and we plugged it in another socket and it came back on.  For about a second.  Then it sparked and did it again.  The fridge went off.  I had no time to figure it out.

I kept thinking CRAP I’m probably going to have to call someone on a Saturday, its gonna cost me a fortune or I am gonna have to buy a new fridge. OMG!  That was a nice way to start the day.

When I got home I realized the old bulb is probably shorting it out.  I turned off the breakers and carefully pulled out the old broken bulb and turned it back on and it quit shorting out. Fixed.  No expensive repair guy needed thankfully!

Yesterday was not my best day.  Not proud of myself or my reaction.  I am not a good golf mom.  I fear I am really screwing up in more ways than just golf.  I apologized to my kid, let her know that some of the things I said I meant, but my delivery was unacceptable and we had a long talk.

I never had the opportunity that she has, and she doesn’t have much, so you can imagine what my life was like.  I explained to her that it hurts me and frustrates me that I feel like she is not taking advantage of what little I can give and the things I am trying to do for her.  She gets it I think.

This is gonna be something I work on with my shrink.  In the meantime… you guys get to hear it

Today, I get to stay home and feel like the schmuck that I am.  Her dad can go with her today and no matter what how she does today I have got to learn to keep my Ginzu knives to myself!

Hope your weekend is better than mine!

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10 thoughts on “I Suck

  1. Breathe… It’s all going to be okay. None of us are going to walk through life without mistakes so it is important how we recover from mistakes. Daughter is out there today, and will hopefully be in the 80’s today. If not, she will figure out how to improve. You did the biggie of apologizing and sharing your feelings. Go sit on that patio with a good book and a cuddly kitty. Hugs to you, Debt Girl.

    • Thank you, i stayed in feeling horrible all day! She did better today back in tbe 80s but it should not be so inconsistant. I just want to bow out and back off for personal
      Survival! 🙂

  2. Raising teenagers is not easy. You see down the road, she sees the weekend.

    We lived between fervent prayer and the F bomb daily with our daughter.

    Trust me on this, believe me, I have been down a road with my daughter that involved phone calls you didn’t want, police stations visits, and things said to make sailors blush. But now, she is grown she thanks us for everything we did and said to her and it wasn’t pretty at times.

    Your daughter and you will make it through this. You will, I promise, one day in the future get a phone call where she says she gets it now, and she understands what you did and why. She will thank you and tell you how much she loves you for the sacrifice you made for her.

    It’s going to be okay. Life is messy but we get a fresh start everyday.

    • Gail, it’s true, she doesn’t see so far down the road or even day! There is a book called The Ayeenage a Brain and also a podcast on npr that I started to listen to. Very interesting the dev of the brain!!!! Thanks for sharing your story! I feel not alone!

  3. Ugh… It’s no fun to explode like that. It just feels crummy to hurt people you love. (I exploded on my boyfriend this weekend, and have been doing some epic grovelling since… so I feel your pain.)

    As for this:
    The money. Cause I don’t have any. If I had money, I would probably be a really nice and chill mom. “Oh that is okay dear, no worries, we will just get you more lessons and buy a better set of clubs. No big deal honey, would you rather take up horseback riding or oil painting, fashion design? Lets go to the mall!

    Yes, you might be that mom, but you would not be a better mom. In fact, you wouldn’t be doing your daughter any favors in the long term.

    I am very fortunate in that my parents have were able to spend money on sports, college, etc., but DANG my dad drilled it into our heads that we would NOT take it for granted, we WOULD work our arses off in exchange for being given those things, and we WOULD appreciate the value of a dollar, of living below one’s means, and the sacrifices that were being made for us. His biggest fear was raising spoiled kids with no work ethic or ability to see things through.

    Don’t beat yourself up about not having that much to give her. She’s your daughter, so you want to give her the world, but she can grow up to be a happy, successful woman without it.

  4. And another thing:

    “My kid has been shooting in the 80s during practice rounds. During tournaments her scores are the worst,”

    There are people who are really good at helping other people to manage stress under pressure. They probably have books you can get at the library or a YouTube channel. There are a lot of things that can cause performance to suffer in a high-stakes situation, but if you can figure that out and help your daughter to work through it, it will help her in golf, on the SATs, in tryouts, whatever.

    Until then, watch that scene in Hoosiers when the coach makes the kids measure the basketball court at the huge gym. 🙂

    • Thanks Bridget. I will watch that! She knows she has to work and looks forward to it this summer. It’s the area we live in, so much wealth. It’s insane. Where I grew up we were all exactly econominical the same. Well actually we were poorer but nobody made a big deal. Here and now with social media in the mix it’s hard not to want all the things people have. She is learning though. Your parents did a great job!!!!

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