Bale & Chicken Wire

Is that how the saying goes?  Something like “It’s held together with bale and chicken wire.”  Or is it “glue” and chicken wire?  Bail?  Oh hell, I just spent twenty minutes trying to find it on the internet and couldn’t.  I’m sticking with bale.

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Whatever.  My point is this,  as I plug along and get closer to the three year mark.  (Okay, maybe not so close.  My three year mark is in October.)  As I plug along to October I feel like I’m barely holding it together. 

So many things happen in five year time span.  I find all the things they say are true now that I am smack dab in the middle of a chapter thirteen.  Things like.. shit happens, be prepared, its not easy, try to save all you can, things change, things come up and life is hard… the list of warnings are endless.

Let’s catch up a little. 

  • My 55th birthday yesterday.  Ugh.  Really?  Just ugh!  I think I would be more at peace or happy with that little tidbit, but since I am not the healthiest person, well, it just kind of sucks.  I think the underlying health issues are the basis of most of my stress.
  • We are still in the middle of an IT Audit at work, it is winding down, but can we just finish it already?  I want to get to work!  We need help and I want to focus.  I don’t think they realize how much needs to be done and it is critical that I give my part 100% attention.  I am spread way too thin. (I think we all feel that way.)
  • My kid turns 16 this month.  That is all I can say about that. 
  • The HOA board really takes a lot of time and energy.  We have the community garage sale next weekend.  Not ready for that.
  • Car running pretty rough and the dent in the door really makes it a loud ride too.  Glad I don’t live in Oregon now or rain would be ruining the interior.  My deductable is 1K so that dent won’t be repaired any time soon.
  • Every paycheck is gone before you know it, that is so stressful.  What must it be like not to live paycheck to paycheck. 

The list is endless.

Right now  is a rough time for my whole family. My mom is back in the hospital and at 94 it is expected.  My brothers and sisters are all dealing with the inevitable in their own way.  But of course, getting calls with hysterical sisters is not easy.  I get… when are you coming? you are coming right?  you need to come now!

One of my brothers agrees with my decision and he knows how hard it is for me to make it. Thank you bro!

I spoke to my mom for a few seconds yesterday and I asked her if she wants me to come and she said no.  I know my mom well enough to know when she is sick of us, and right now she is sick of everybody.  Everyone is so emotional and she just needs peace and quiet.

My mother is lucky.  She really is and because she is lucky, I am lucky.

I am lucky to have my mother this long.  She is lucky to be 94, have a doting family and good care.  She is winding down and ready.  Its amazing that nature prepares you and your mind for the inevitable.  When you are born you take a breath, when you die, if you are lucky you slowly come to terms with it and then you can go gently.  My mother gets to go gently.  She will probably fall asleep.  She is in no pain.  I am in tears.

If she wants me there now, she will tell me, if not, then I will go say my final goodbye after. 

What a time in life.  I am telling you I seriously feel like I am barely held together. 

But… my strength comes from my mother and maybe some chicken wire too.

I am my mother’s daughter and I can and will get through all of this.  I know we all will because she did a really good job with the nine of us!

I love you mom!

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10 thoughts on “Bale & Chicken Wire

  1. So sorry about your mom. My Grandpa lived a long life and at the end he was ready to go, but of course we were the ones a mess, not ready to say goodbye. I’m happy you have had so many good years with your mom. Wishing for you strength and peace.

  2. I am sure your DM knows how much you have always loved her. Letting go of a loved one is never easy. Say a prayer, hug your DD, and have the faith to believe all will come out right. God never makes mistakes so don’t be so hard on yourself.
    Best wishes from Best Bun.

  3. Hey happy belated birthday, and happy Mother’s Day tomorrow to you and your mom. My husband lost his mother last week but couldn’t attend the funeral because he is working in China for three months. I went with our kids and it was difficult. I think with families there are always stresses and what if’s. I think everyone just is really trying to do the best they and change (like letting go) is never perfect or easy like we want. It’s so emotional I know, sometimes all we can do is just breathe and know it’s ok to feel how we do.

    • Thank you kiki, that must have been so hard for your whole family and esp your husband. Thank goodness you and the kids went. My mom has so mamy with her it is probably getting overwhelming at times.

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  5. Prayers and love to you, sweet lady. It’s always too soon to lose your mom.

    Sounds like you’re in a bad place mentally; the stress is just coming off the blog post. You seem so overwhelmed. Hug?

    Happy birthday to you, and happy early birthday to your daughter.

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